A 35-year-old woman faces domestic violence charges after she allegedly hit her mother in the head with a vibrator, causing her to "bleed profusely."
We snicker now, but there's nothing funny about assault with a vibro-cudgel.*
*of course there is something funny about assault with a vibro-cudgel
A 35-year-old woman faces domestic violence charges after she allegedly hit her mother in the head with a vibrator, causing her to "bleed profusely."
Shared because I wish Yakov Smirnov was a newscaster.
Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany told Mr. Obama by telephone on Sunday that after speaking with Mr. Putin she was not sure he was in touch with reality, people briefed on the call said. “In another world,” she said.
-The New York Times, March 3
Greetings, decadent Western scum! It is I, Vladimir Putin, returned once again to grace the pages of your Wonkette. It has been many months since last we spoke with each other, for which I wish to apologize. We have been very busy here in Mother Russia, with the making of the Olympics and the rapacious extraction of every last natural resource from our land and the repression of dissidents and the invading of other countries. But you have been busy also, making with the jokes of Ted Cruz and John Boehner and how they are dicks, so that is very nice too. I, Vladimir Putin, wish to commend you on your funny making! Many times your Wonkette, it is funny and I laugh. Ha. Ha.
But now I wish to speak to America, which I understand you have much fear over recent news of how the glorious soldiers of my country have crushed Crimea under the boot heel of the Motherland and now threaten to do same to Ukraine. Your politicians are very upset. I have seen many of them on my satellite dish saying many things about how I am grand chess master like Kasparov while President Obama is playing with marbles like soft-headed idiot. Just yesterday I watched clip of John McCain and thought his head might blow up like early Soyuz rocket. Were he deputy in our own Federal Assembly I would have shipped him to gulag years ago to serve our glorious nation breaking our numerous rocks with his face. I once told President Obama how I do this with our legislators and he said he would do that to all of Congress if he could, especially the Republicans, but alas he is not allowed. To which I say, phooey not allowed! He is so whiny, your president. Always talking about law and legal — what is word? — mumbo jumbo.
Well as I say to him, Crimea river! Do you get? I, Vladimir Putin, was first to make that joke on Twitter. Yes I was! Shut your hole in face now or I will send you to gulag! Ha, I am making the joke with you! Is fun, yes?
America, I would like to allay to rest fears you might have if you read accurate translations to the English of things I said. For example there is this which sounds like, how you say, word salad usually spoken by teenage beauty queens and candidates for your Vice President. Perhaps you have fear that I have become crazy or had stroke. I say to you, pish posh lemon stapler tennis ball gluuuurrrrrrrgh. See? Totally Vladimir is fine!
Yes I know that Chancellor Merkel reported to President Obama that I am not in touch with reality and “in another world.” Germans! Always so melodramatic! Have you seen Ali: Fear Eats the Soul? Great achievement in German cinema my babushka! More like great achievement in Germans being giant drama queens. I think Chancellor Merkel needs some more of those special back rubs from former President Bush, is what Vladimir thinks.
Oh, and as for reporter who quit Russia Today because she did not want to “whitewash” me, do not worry about her. Is free country and you are free to do as you wish, Ms. Liz Wahl who lives at 453 12 Ave. NE, Washington, D.C. 20004 and drives 2009 Hyundai Elantra with Virginia plates.
(Psst, America! We have replaced unleaded gasoline in Ms. Wahl’s Hyundai Elantra with enough polonium to kill Dolph Lundgren. Let’s see if she notices!)
Ha ha, I kid with Ms. Wahl! Why would we smuggle polonium into America when your President Whiner will already making with the drop the nuclear bombings on South Carolina and DC so that our “UN” troops from Russia can invade your country and take of your guns? Ms. Wahl is fly and ant and fly that mates with ant, the steel fist of Russia does not even notice her. She might to beware of our comrade George Soros although. It is certain he will to go rogue.
Sincerely your very great friend,
"I understand the wisdom behind the story, but I doubt very strongly that they had Chipotle and Burritos in ancient Japan (although I assume that was part of the joke)."
The concept of "wisdom" is often thought of something that straddles the corporeal-ethereal border, a sort of empyrean package that we "carry" in our minds. Those who truly possess wisdom, though, will tell you that it's more like a horse.
Mad scientists in France saw no real issue with awakening a 30,000-year-old virus from Siberian permafrost this week, even when they admitted that after it thawed, it became infectious once again. Sounds very chill.
[Performers from the Uniao da Ilha do Governador samba school parade during Carnaval celebrations at the Sambadrome in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, on Tuesday, the final day of festivities. Image via Silvia Izquierdo/AP.]
An ill widower outside Orlando died after he was taken off life support at the behest of his stepbrother. Only the "stepbrother" turned out to be a mere acquaintance who cleared out the dead man's house and took $106,000 from his bank account, according to a new investigation.
Vice has a pretty disturbing story about a “diversion program” in Phoenix that’s aimed at getting women out of prostitution, whether they want to get out or not. Yr Wonkette is officially libertarian on the question of sex work, though of course we recognize that there’s much bad and exploitative about it — sex trafficking, for instance, is definitely criminal and terrible — but count us on the side of addressing those abuses through decriminalization and providing social services to women (and not incidentally, providing enough of a safety net for everyone that no one ever becomes a prostitute unless she really really wants to), rather than by trying to arrest prostitution out of existence, considering how well that approach has worked.
At first glance, Project ROSE — “Reaching Out on Sexual Exploitation,” and what could be more ladylike than a pretty flower? — sounds like a good alternative to the law-enforcement-only approach: the program sells itself as helping women to leave prostitution by offering a chance to escape being charged if they agree to counseling, life skills classes, housing, and so on. But absurdly, to get more women into Project ROSE, Phoenix Police don’t settle for sending prostitutes to the program in the normal course of policing — instead, they hold huge sweeps to grab as many women as possible and get them “help” — and by god, they will be helped whether they want it or not. Vice’s Molly Crabapple writes:
In law enforcement, language goes through the looking glass. Lieutenant James Gallagher, the former head of the Phoenix Vice Department, told me that Project ROSE raids were “programs.” The arrests were “contact.” And the sex workers who told Al Jazeera that they had been kidnapped in those windowless church rooms—they were “lawfully detained.”
“Project ROSE is a service opportunity for a population involved in a very complex problem,” Lieutenant Gallagher wrote to me in an email. Sex workers were criminals and victims at once. They were fair game to imprison, as long as they were getting “help.”
Unlike other diversion programs that work with offenders after a conviction, the women picked up in Project ROSE sweeps haven’t been convicted or even charged — and since they haven’t been charged, they can’t see an attorney before “choosing” to enter the diversion program. That’s some catch.
And as it turns out, one of the women grabbed by the ROSE sweeps last May was Monica Jones, a social-work student and sex-work activist, who had previously criticized the program when she was sent through it; she objected to the religious overtones of the program, run by Catholic Charities, and had argued with the organizers about whether prostitution was actually such a terrible thing. She ended up being asked to leave the program since she was a bad influence. And since she had been through the program, Jones was ineligible for ROSE the second time through the system — this time, she’s been charged with the strange crime of “manifesting prostitution,” a charge used when an actual attempt to sell sex can’t quite be proven. The charge “takes everything from starting conversations with passersby to asking if someone is an undercover cop as proof that you’re selling sex.”
Another bizarre aspect of Project ROSE is that, for all the organizers’ talk of it providing a way for women to get out of “the life,” it’s available only to arrestees who have not had a prior prostitution conviction — so those actually in the life will just get prosecuted anyway, while those swept up off the streets to improve the numbers of women going through the program are deemed to have successfully avoided a life of prostitution, on the dubious assumption that all first-time offenders were destined to be sex workers for life. So to keep women from a life of crime, the sweeps grab as many women as possible and label them criminals.
And just to add that extra little dollop of absurdity, all of the services available to women in Project ROSE — emergency housing, detox, counseling, etc. — are available without being arrested, but the incentive of avoiding criminal charges is supposedly a great way to drive women to make use of them, or else go to jail.
Al Jazeera America also reported on the program and its “get help or go to jail” approach:
Strangest quote from the story, about Lt. Gallagher, who helped create the program:
over the course of his 18-year career, including four years with the department’s vice unit, Gallagher ended up arresting the same woman nine times for prostitution, which changed his views on sex workers. He no longer believes just locking them up is the solution.
So the solution is to send prostitutes through a one-chance diversion that only 30% of participants complete (and 9% of those graduates are re-arrested within a year), and then keep prosecuting the rest again and again? Sounds to us like not a lot of change.
Tipper Gore Demands Surviving Pythons Be Brought To Justice, according to extremely dated reference.
Last night former Talking Heads frontman David Byrne threw on a pair of overalls, printed up some lyrics, and performed a charming cover of the Biz Markie classic, "Just a Friend".
How To Be The Absolute Worst, by Pat Buchanan
It’s easy to be terrible, but to be the absolute worst — that takes effort. So let me, Pat Buchanan, show you how it’s done.
Step 1: take a really important issue that makes people emotional, and make up a disgraceful lie about it, like so:
The question Gov. Jan Brewer faces?
Should Christians, Muslims, Mormons who refuse, on religious grounds, to serve same-sex couples — that photographer, that florist, that baker, for example — be treated as criminals?
This is in reference to the proposed Arizona law that would permit business owners to refuse service to people whose sexual preferences God doesn’t like. But! Do you see what I did there? The bill has nothing to do with treating these business owners “as criminals.” Business owners are already allowed to discriminate against gays in Arizona, and there’s no federal law stopping them, either. So by saying this, I’ve achieved two things: confused people who don’t know what’s going on, and infuriated many that do. Now, if someone wants to argue with me, they have to spend most of their time correcting my strategic idiocy. See how that works?
Now you’re ready for Step 2: Frame the debate in terms of a broad, unfalsifiable assertion that favors your argument, such as:
What we are seeing in Arizona in microcosm is what we have witnessed in America for half a century: the growing intolerance of those who preach tolerance and the corruption of the concept of civil rights.
Try proving any of that wrong. The best you’ll do is produce a series of anecdotes that I’ll just call rare exceptions, and you’ve wasted yet more of your breath refuting me, rather than making your own point.
So you see how your opponent has already been driven half-mad by my smokescreen of brazen lies and unsupported assertions. Now you’re ready for Step 3: Propose something totally nonsensical and offensive:
A radical idea: Suppose we repealed the civil rights laws and fired all the bureaucrats enforcing these laws.
Does anyone think hotels, motels and restaurants across Dixie, from D.C. to Texas, would stop serving black customers? Does anyone think there would again be signs sprouting up reading “whites” and “colored” on drinking foundations and restrooms?
The obvious counter-move for my opponent now is to yell “OF COURSE THAT WOULD HAPPEN, ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS!?” Oh look, my opponent is an angry pessimist who thinks Americans are all racist! I, Pat Buchanan, am the one who truly believes in the goodness of the human spirit.
Now, the Final Step: While your opponent is red-faced and spitting, feign ignorance of all history and cause-effect relationships:
Last year, the Supreme Court struck down the preclearance provision of the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Yet, somehow, Mississippi still has more black elected officials than any other state.
Of course, Mississippi has “more black officials than another state” precisely because until last year they had to get pre-clearance from a federal court whenever they wanted to re-draw their legislative districts. And even if my opponent is still capable of making a coherent argument through the red fog of rage that has filled her entire brain, and says exactly this, she still hasn’t made a point of her own aside from “Pat Buchanan is wrong.” She hasn’t said that certain people should not have to just keep driving, keep walking, keep wasting their time and money trying to get this product or that service from someone who doesn’t hate them because of the body they were born into. How it shouldn’t just be luck of the draw whether you can shop at the store down the street. And how it would feel for your government to say “The rights of ignorant bigots are more important than whether or not you can buy groceries in your home town.” Nope, none of that gets said because you have successfully been The Worst!
Related: Filthy Lucre: How To Get Rich By Pandering To Racists And Bigots, by Pat Buchanan
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This sounds like the sort of announcement that spreads quickly, and I'm sharing the post two days after it published, but here it is anyway.
At this weekend's Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, Mozilla revealed their development plans for a simplified smartphone that will cost around $25. Partnered with low-cost chip developer Spreadtrum, Mozilla claims the phone will have internet capabilities and app browsing, but at a lower speed and a much cheaper cost.
Recently, a man walked into China Construction Bank in Shanghai with a meat cleaver. He apparently wanted to rob the bank. Things did not go as planned.
So, Japan:species on island::Star Wars:biome on planet. Japan makes a little more sense, somehow.
Welcome to the age of selfie-transmitted diseases.
Did you like Marty McFly?
Kroll Show Season 2 - Episode 1: “Cake Train”
the 12 minutes of garbage graphics are slightly more enjoyable than the 2 minutes of executed code
Did you know it’s possible to use a glitch to execute arbitrary code in the original Pokemon? And I thought catching an Abra was impressive…
How’s it work? It’s pretty simple, actually.
There’s a well-known glitch that lets you take control of the function pointer - a spot in the processor that tells it where (on the cartridge) to find the code that it’s currently executing - by inputting some wacky-ass characters for your or your rival’s name. This is, incidentally, how those 00:00 speedruns of pokemon games work - you choose a glitchy name for your, such that the game jumps directly from “Hello and welcome to the world!” to “You beat the elite four!”
Pokemon also stores your in-game inventory - and your computer storage - in a fairly simple format: an array of pairs of bytes, consecutive in memory, specifying first the item type (0-255) and then the quantity (also 0-255). It just so happens that that’s the same format as the actual bytecode that comprises the instructions the processor executes… So our enterprising TASers go to work.
The first ten or eleven minutes of this video are mostly concerned with acquiring and reordering the player’s inventory. Of course, some of the instructions they need don’t correspond to items that are normally in the game… So more exploits are employed. Doozy of a shopping trip. Once they’ve got a full load of the proper quantities of items that should not and cannot exist, they carefully slot them into their PC inventory in just the right places. When this is done, they execute the final function pointer move, and it starts executing their inventory as code.
So what do the bytes they hand-assembled in the inventory do? It’s simple: Each frame, they record the A, B, start, and select buttons - that’s 4 bits - and write them into a new spot in memory. This is all done by a computer, so it’s free to write whatever it wants, and it writes… Another program. It does pretty much the same thing, but now takes advantage of the D-pad and writes a full eight bits each frame. At that point, they deliver the payload. The author’s notes (read’em!) point out that the payload can be anything you want. In this case, it’s a simplified MIDI audio player and a PNG renderer.
skip to about 12:20 for the punchline
i hate when you’re not in the same mood as your friend like when you want to slay your enemies and feast on their flesh and your friend wants to dance in a field of daisies and sing for the sake of singing like no stop that grab a pitchfork
So I was reading things ‘n’ stuff on the internet (like I do) last week, and was greatly amused by the story of how a local Iowa politician — a conservative one! – lamented that being endorsed by the Koch brothers’ Americans for Prosperity “was kind of like being endorsed by Charles Manson.” My first reaction, of course, was sadness, a profound sorrow because I’ll never be able to “elevate the conversation” as eloquently as that, even at Yer Wonkette, forever America’s prudish convent of decorum. My second thought was, “What, did everyone run out of Hitler and Rosa Parks similes, so now we’re moving along to Charles Manson?”
In which case, well, I approve. It would make internet vitriol a lot more hilarious if it were Manson this and Manson that, rather than Hitler Hitler Hitler. Better yet, wouldn’t it be fascinating if the Koch guys really were like Charles Manson? What adventures they’d have! Won’t you come and enjoy elevating the discussion with me?For one thing, blogging and/or reading endless, endless fucking things about the Koch brothers on the internet would be way more fun and interesting. Which of these two articles would you rather read: Koch Brothers Secretly Fund Another Fake Grassroots Group or David Koch Won’t Be Prosecuted For Missing Ranch Hand’s Death Unless Body Can Be Located. See what I mean? I can think of a few other possible scenarios:
Seriously, just imagine how much more diverting reading David Weigel would be!
Next week: What If Richard Cohen Got So Old And Stupid That Nothing He Said Ever Mattered? Oh, wait, that one’s been done to death. I’ll come up with something else.
Cuddles ‘n’ hugs, Princess Sparkle Pony.