Shared posts

31 Jul 23:27

Steve Jackson Games Daily Illuminator

An Important Safety Tip!

Mark Steuer <steuerm@nichols.com> recounts this tale:
Many years ago (back when we all were still playing D & D), I ran a game where I pitted two groups against each other.

Several members of Group One came up with the idea of luring Group Two into a trap. You remember the Hand of Vecna and the Eye of Vecna that were artifacts in the old D&D world where if you cut off your hand (or your eye) and replaced it with the Hand of Vecna (or the Eye) you'd get new awesome powers? Well, Group One thought up The Head of Vecna.

Group One spread rumors all over the countryside (even paying Bards to spread the word about this artifact rumored to exist nearby). They even went so far as to get a real head and place it under some weak traps to help with the illusion. Unfortunately, they forgot to let ALL the members of their group in on the secret plan (I suspect it was because they didn't want the Druid to get caught and tell the enemy about this trap of theirs, or maybe because they didn't want him messing with things).

The Druid in group One heard about this new artifact and went off in search of it himself (I believe to help prove himself to the party members...) Well, after much trial and tribulation, he found it; deactivated (or set off) all the traps; and took his "prize" off into the woods for examination. He discovered that it did not radiate magic (a well known trait of artifacts) and smiled gleefully.

I wasn't really worried since he was alone and I knew that there was no way he could CUT HIS OWN HEAD OFF. Alas I was mistaken as the Druid promptly summoned some carnivorous apes and instructed them to use his own scimitar and cut his head off (and of course quickly replacing it with the Head of Vecna...)

Some time later, Group one decided to find the Druid and to check on the trap. They found the headless body (and the two heads) and realized that they had erred in their plan (besides laughing at the character who had played the Druid)...The Head of Vecna still had BOTH eyes! They corrected this mistake and reset their traps and the Head for it's real intended victims...

Group Two, by this time, had heard of the powerful artifact and decided that it bore investigating since, if true, they could use it to destroy Group One. After much trial and tribulation, they found the resting place of The Head of Vecna! The were particularly impressed with the cunning traps surrounding the site (one almost missed his save against the weakest poison known to man). They recovered the Head and made off to a safe area.

Group Two actually CAME TO BLOWS (several rounds of fighting) against each other argueing over WHO WOULD GET THEIR HEAD CUT OFF! Several greedy players had to be hurt and restrained before it was decided who would be the recipient of the great powers bestowed by the Head... The magician was selected and one of them promptly cut his head off. As the player was lifting The Head of Vecna to emplace it on it's new body, another argument broke out and they spent several minutes shouting and yelling. Then, finally, they put the Head onto the character.

Well, of course, the Head simply fell off the lifeless body. All members of Group Two began yelling and screaming at each other (and at me) and then, on their own, decided that they had let too much time pass between cutting off the head of a hopeful recipient and put the Head of Vecna onto the body.

SO THEY DID IT AGAIN!... [killing another PC]

In closing, it should be said that I never even cracked a smile as all this was going on. After the second PC was slaughtered, I had to give in (my side was hurting)...

And Group Two blamed ME for all of that...

So let that be a warning to you - don't let your head get cut off unless you really know what you're doing.

-- Bob Apthorpe

31 Jul 07:01

Lying in the Grass

by alex

Lying in the Grass

25 Jul 12:00

the-prince-of-vaudeville: molliedollie: pariahcarrie: yeezytau...





the-prince-of-vaudeville:

molliedollie:

pariahcarrie:

yeezytaughtme:

this happened to my hair today.

*O*

GORGEOUS!!

*drools*

31 Jul 05:25

unclefather: therealhamster: unclefather: therealhamster: i just paid 18 dollars for a large...

unclefather:

therealhamster:

unclefather:

therealhamster:

i just paid 18 dollars for a large delivered pizza which i ate 3 pieces of and dont want anymore of

General Chat: looking 2 sell pizza PST me offers

what kind of pizza

it a pepperoni

not interested but will signal boost so that others may have this pizza

30 Jul 22:40

Israeli Army Member Crowdfunded Battle Gear for Urban Warfare

by Nitasha Tiku on Valleywag, shared by Aleksander Chan to Gawker

Israeli Army Member Crowdfunded Battle Gear for Urban Warfare

Two years ago, students at ITP, NYU's "high-tech funhouse," built a fake Kickstarter to warn viewers about the possibility that crowdfunding platforms might eventually be used for warfare. That bit of online performance art turned out to be prescient. Earlier this week, a campaign on Crowdtilt successfully raised $22,000 to buy battle gear for the IDF's 97th Battalion, according to the description on the site.

Read more...








31 Jul 13:40

Warren G Reads Warren G. Harding's Super-Sexual Love Letters

by Jay Hathaway

Much has been made about the fevered fondling, melting kisses, and pillowing breasts in President Warren G. Harding's recently published love letters to his mistress. You may have heard John Oliver read a few choice passages , but you haven't experienced Harding's smutty fuck notes as they were meant to be read until you've heard them performed by rapper/regulator Warren G.

Read more...








30 Jul 17:45

Flying Hatchet Nearly Impales Woman in Car on I-95

by Adam Weinstein

Flying Hatchet Nearly Impales Woman in Car on I-95

This is an axe in a windshield on I-95 in Massachusetts. How did this particular axe get in that particular windshield, not far from that particular woman's head? The Massachusetts State Police explain:

Read more...








29 Apr 13:57

Identity Crisis

by nedroid

Identity Crisis

29 Jul 04:59

thesylverlining: if you ask me why DS9 is best Star Trek, i’ll...









thesylverlining:

if you ask me why DS9 is best Star Trek, i’ll probably say “amazing acting, writing and character development, uncommonly dark tone, station as a home/Wild West allegory instead of HERE WE GO IN A SPACESHIP TO sAVE THE DAY, tons of antagonist development AS WELL as protags, linear/continuing storyline, wonderful diverse ensemble cast and actual queer characters”

but I’ll really be thinking “Worf in the baseball game episode.”

29 Jul 11:28

ice-cream-and-cigarettes: achievement-hunter: miggylol: pumpkin spice candles soon pumpkin lattes...

ice-cream-and-cigarettes:

achievement-hunter:

miggylol:

pumpkin spice candles soon

pumpkin lattes soon

pumpkin everything

image

#ITS STILL JULY YOU ANIMALS

image

29 Jul 14:11

The NRA's Top Attorney Was Convicted of Murder in 1964

by Adam Weinstein

The NRA's Top Attorney Was Convicted of Murder in 1964

According to recently unearthed court records, Bob Dowlut—who for 30 years has been the architect of the National Rifle Association's legal and cultural agenda—was sentenced to life in an Indiana prison for shooting a shopkeeper during a robbery before murdering a single mother with the same gun.

Read more...








29 Jul 15:19

This Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 9/11 Poster Didn't Go Over So Well

by Jay Hathaway
V

teenage mutant ninja truthers

This Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 9/11 Poster Didn't Go Over So Well

The Michael Bay-produced movie reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is due out in Australia on Sept. 11, and Paramount Pictures probably could have picked a better image for the promo poster than the Turtles leaping from an exploding skyscraper.

Read more...








28 Jul 04:00

D.B. Cooper

'Why on Earth would someone commit air piracy just to finance a terrible movie decades later?' 'People are very strange these days.'
23 Jul 12:01

luisgpiercing: deadinmagazines: 4gifs: Come at me bro....



luisgpiercing:

deadinmagazines:

4gifs:

Come at me bro. [vid]

I can’t deal with this at 8 AM

That’s right, YOU BETTER WALK AWAY!
28 Jul 12:01

beckyrocksyousuck: This is my favorite thing ever.









beckyrocksyousuck:

This is my favorite thing ever.

27 Jul 17:20

airouette: sephizim: gromdork: hanksypanky: 100newfears: and then romeo-kun and juliet-chan...

airouette:

sephizim:

gromdork:

hanksypanky:

100newfears:

and then romeo-kun and juliet-chan inevitably committed the seppuku

sugoi. what light through the window comes, desu?
it is the east, and my waifu is the sun. 

did my kokoro doki till now? forswear it, sight!
for i ne’er saw true kawaii till this night.

o romeo-kun, romeo-kun, doushite art thou, romeo-kun?
deny thy otou-san and refuse thy namae,
or, if thou ja nai, but be sworn my daisuki,
and i’ll no longer be a capulet-sama.

IM SCREAMING

27 Jul 17:21

surprisebitch: cartel: forgetpolitics: I. AM. FUCKING....

















surprisebitch:

cartel:

forgetpolitics:

I. AM. FUCKING. DEAD.

OMFG R U SRS

i’ll pay to see this

19 Jul 18:16

hipsandhearts: batmansymbol: welp here it is the final...

V

One day tumblr will know what audio files are. Until that day, click through for Rioghnach Robinson's "Thus Spoke Carly Rae".



hipsandhearts:

batmansymbol:

welp

here it is

the final damning evidence that i have no life whatsoever

lyrics at the original post here

Proof God is real: this exists

24 Jul 03:15

Video



24 Jul 07:01

The Noblest House

by alex

The Noblest House

23 Jul 23:26

secret-soup: creepym: stridersgonnastride: princekarkat: ...



secret-soup:

creepym:

stridersgonnastride:

princekarkat:

stridercolada:

kerink:

luckyshirt:

Dear guy who just made my burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients from one end to the other, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM TO GET TO LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws to accommodate such methods. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.

And guess what else, player? You can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. You and I already know this tortilla was made to maintain its physical integrity for thirty seconds once touched. 

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

CHRIST

i literally can not breathe

jesus christ this is beautiful

lost it at cilantro cavern

oh god thi was a beautiful thing to read and behold

I got about a third of the way through this and just lost my shit completely

EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM good lord this person is beautiful in every way.

Read this out loud at Panera. Hope everyone heard me, because it was beautiful.

25 Jul 17:52

canonqueer: rip kyary she died a piggy death (video) hype for...





canonqueer:

rip kyary she died a piggy death (video)

hype for Hannibal season 3

26 Jul 07:57

Photo



26 Jul 08:50

baskauskas: oh my god this guy messaged me on okcupid and he has a “don’t message me if” section...

baskauskas:

oh my god this guy messaged me on okcupid and he has a “don’t message me if” section and 

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

jesus christ

26 Jul 08:58

lastoftheknowncockneys: The death of Disney

















lastoftheknowncockneys:

The death of Disney

24 Jul 15:32

Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk Announces Resignation

by Andy Cush

Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk Announces Resignation

Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk, who assumed leadership of the country in February of this year after a revolution ousted previous president Viktor Yanukovych, announced his resignation today.

Read more...








23 Jul 21:45

Twitter Buries Pathetic Diversity Numbers Behind Facebook News

by Kevin Montgomery on Valleywag, shared by Lacey Donohue to Gawker
V

charts charts charts

Twitter Buries Pathetic Diversity Numbers Behind Facebook News

After initially dragging their feet , Twitter has finally released their diversity numbers, one minute before the industry's biggest financial news. It's easy to see why: the company is just as lily white as every other big tech player.

Read more...








24 Jul 01:32

Southwest Kicks Dad and Kids Off Flight After Tweeting Complaint

by Aleksander Chan

Southwest Kicks Dad and Kids Off Flight After Tweeting Complaint

Duff Watson claims that he and his two daughters were forced off their Southwest Airlines flight from Denver to Minneapolis after he tweeted a complaint about the agent at the gate. Only after all three had exited the plane and the agent watched Watson delete the tweet were they allowed back on the plane. The agent apparently told him that his tweet constituted a security threat.

Read more...








24 Jul 13:55

There's Now a Porn Parody of Weird Al's Parody Film UHF

by Jay Hathaway

There's Now a Porn Parody of Weird Al's Parody Film UHF

A couple of weeks ago, it would have been difficult to imagine a Weird Al album topping the charts, and basically impossible to predict a porn parody of Al's 25-year-old cult-classic film UHF. But that's our new reality—thanks, The Internet!

Read more...








22 Jul 13:55

George Harrison's Memorial Tree Was Killed by Beetles

by Allie Jones

George Harrison's Memorial Tree Was Killed by Beetles

Go ahead and email this one to your dad: the George Harrison Tree was killed by beetles. Los Angeles Councilman Tom LaBonge announced over the weekend that the tree, which lived for 10 years in Griffith Observatory Park, died recently of an infestation.

Read more...