A compilation by Avaryl Halley.
The Rock gave his Instagram followers an early Throwback Thursday gift this morning when he posted this picture of him drenched in the cum of the 90s. Everything is stunning about this picture from that “rejected House Party extra” hair to that single gold earring he definitely bought at Spencer’s Gifts to the turtleneck & chain combo to that clearance bin Miller’s Outpost belt to those piping hot mom jeans to that tiny fanny pack covering his dick. That photo screams “Chess King model search” glamour. If you took every single cast member of A Different World, shoved them into a blender and added heaping amounts of L.A. Looks gel, out would come The Rock looking like that. The Rock knows how special his 90s flavor is, because notice how he’s leaning on a paper napkin so his sexiness doesn’t get dirtied up.
I love the way he’s delicately touching that fanny pack. I bet if you unzipped that fanny pack, his dick would pop out. That picture should be the cover for The Lonely Island’s next single Dick In A Fanny Pack.
The Rock added this little note (and priceless hash tag) with that gorgeous picture:
Fanny pack and lean take it to a whole other level… #90sRock #WTF #BuffLesbian
I smell what The Rock is cooking and it smells like White Rain and Cool Water with a base note of Right Guard clear gel. I hope he’s wearing a Hypercolor thong underneath all that 90s hotness.
Tinder summed up in one screenshot.
Previously: How to talk to babies about gender theory.
BABY: want book
ME: that is the rankest consumerism
ME: oh you want to be a subject?
you want to just be a subject that consumes blindly?
you realize you’re resisting literally nothing right now
BABY: want green book
ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY
ME: no of course not
you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT
like a plutocrat
ME: i really need you to check your cognitive biases right now
ME: ok youre not even reevaluating your original premise here
ME: youre just repeating your previous work
ME: this is self-plagiarism
ME: what do we think of German idealism
BABY: [grasps own foot]
ME: come on
you know this
what do we think of Young Hegelians
BABY: [releases foot]
ME: I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS
BABY: [spits up]
ME: thats right
BABY: [builds tower with blocks]
ME: ok this is very good
under capitalism massive building projects are constructed through wage slavery
and through their sheer size and scale intimidate and pacify the masses
so this is a great comment
BABY: [knocks over tower]
ME: that’s right
[The baby is taking a bath]
which one of these floaty toys represents alienation?
which one of these floaty toys
BABY: [grasps duck]
ME: well this is just
the rankest commodity fetishism
i’m taking the duck back
youre obviously not ready
ME: are you ready to tell me which floaty toy represents the alienation of the worker?
because if you’re not ready for that
youre not ready for the duck
ME: oh, honestly
just — here, take it
ME: now i represent the alienation of the exploited worker
well played baby
ME: okay this is a great illustration
of profit and exploitation
ME: YOU ARE COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE LABOR THEORY OF VALUE
YOU ARE A BARNACLE
BABY: [tears apart newspaper]
ME: that’s very good
the apparatus that props up capitalism will destroy itself some day
Entitled "Quarterback," the song repeats the refrain: "Who you gonna blame, the star of the game or the no-name girl in the freshman class?" Read more
well i guess i'm safe for life
Scientists out of the University of Exeter are implying that smelling farts could actually prevent cancer, among other diseases.
"Although hydrogen sulfide gas"—produced when bacteria breaks down food—"is well known as a pungent, foul-smelling gas in rotten eggs and flatulence, it is naturally produced in the body and could in fact be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases," Dr. Mark Wood said in a university release.
Although the stinky gas can be noxious in large doses, scientists believe that a whiff here and there has the power to reduce risks of cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, and dementia by preserving mitochondria.
Submitted by: (via Time)
I felt like I was walking on cloud.
Couch to Just One K
Couch to Locating Old Sports Bra in Underwear Drawer
Couch to Downloading App and Choosing Trainer’s Voice—encouraging Constance or sexy Billie?
Couch to Season 2, Orange is the New Black
Couch to Post Office
Couch to Costco
Couch to Ex’s Last Known Address
Couch to Motorcoach to Myrtle Beach
Couch to Eczema
Couch to the 5 K’s Faithful Sikhs are Commanded to Wear By Guru Gobind Singh Ji
Couch to Tesseract
Couch to Grave
Couch to Other Couch
When people ask me what band I “tie” for I always jokingly say Slipknot but I’ve been Aerosmith’s official scarfsmith for longer than I can remember. Actually don’t remember much. A lot of decades of partying with the band’ll do that but it’s funny that something as stupid as wanting to add pizzazz to my heroin tie-offs could turn into a job. Point is, no matter how long I been doing this or how I got into it people just think I grab any old thrift-shop rag and casually fold up a doubly slipped reef knot onto Steve’s mic stand, hand it to him, and I’m done. You think I got these twisted up tree branch fingers from years of rubbing down groupies backstage with all the free time on my hands? I don’t have free time on my hands; I’ve got callouses. Out of all the stage crew I’m the first one up and the last one to go to bed. The amount of ironing alone’d drive most people to quit. It’s a ton of work and a huge responsibility.
That old saying “the show must go on”? It’s true, except if the tying of the mic ain’t been done. Then it don’t go on. One night, right before a concert, they had to make the decision whether to pick up the drummer from the airport or pick me up from the textile district. Damned if they didn’t just do an acoustic set, cause they left Joey waiting at the baggage carousel. I mean, would you have picked him up and be stuck with a singer who refuses to sing cause his mic stand ain’t colorful enough?
That’s just how rock and roll goes guys.
A lot of people ask me how I ended up getting into this field and I always say that it’s a real rags to riches story. Truth is, I’ve always loved pirate fashion, hog-tying, sailor’s knots, tie dye, Japanese bondage. I’ve also struggled with a purely professional interest in autoerotic asphyxiation. I mean, how can you NOT have a passion for scarves? We all know that sometimes there’s a dark side to it though. How many great scarfsmiths have we lost after they’ve done the old bungee jump off the dresser with a pashmina tightened around their neck? Hell, one time I accidentally found one of my colleagues’d mummified himself using an entire stockpile of scarves and dry-cleaning solution.
I don’t really have any regrets about getting into it though. A lotta people say I threw away the best years of my life at women’s clothing emporiums neck deep in scarves. It’s embarrassing, but it’s part of the job. The fact that everyone in the band shops for their wardrobe at women’s clothing stores makes me feel a bit less embarrassed. To scarf shop for them, I mean. The other stuff is embarrassing, I know. I just want you to know I don’t dress them. I just dress the mic stands, right?
Either way it’s all worth it cause there are few things more beautiful than the sight of my scarves flowing off of Steven’s mic stand like some sort of freak flag tied to a magical musical pole. In a way that’s exactly the problem. Jealousy. This band has been on the verge of tearing itself apart whenever any of the other members have attempted to recruit me for my services or copy Steve’s mic-stand style. They’ve all tried to do it. Imagine tiny scarves—actually they were handkerchiefs—tied onto the ends of Joey’s drumsticks. He looked like one of those little gymnastics girls who dance around and do somersaults with the ribbons on sticks. That was 20 years ago and we still tease him about it. They’ll never admit it now but every other guy in the band at one time or another tried decorating their mic stands with macraméd leg warmers, a giant sock, an extra long condom, a leg cast, driftwood, a beaded curtain, everything. I told Tom, “Listen, you didn’t become a bass player to be the center of attention now did you? Just fall back and let Stevie do his thing, amiright? It isn’t a gimmick and neither is my stand scarving.”
I know a lot of rockers make fun of me and say that they like their mic stands like they like their women, naked, but personally, I think it makes the music sound better.
A late addition to the Song of Summer race? Usher's second single off his upcoming album is another that strays from the primarily EDM sound of his last album, Looking for Myself. Thank Pharrell, our resident Super Producer, who provides the roller-rink bounciness of "She Came to Give It to You." But also thank Nicki for this line: "Tell your man play the back like a spine / He only last six seconds like a Vine." Thank her.
Read more posts by Lindsey Weber
Jay Jerrier, the owner of Cane Rosso, an acclaimed mini-chain of (certified) Neapolitan pizzerias in the Dallas area, happened to be up in this neck of the woods last week and stopped by the Canton location of Bertucci's for some pizza. What he found there was an "incredibly sweet" staff...and a bit of scandal. He left a message on the chain's Facebook page pointing out that it's not cool to post a certificate from the Associazione Verace Pizza Napoletana, the organization that strictly governs "authentic" Neapolitan pizza around the world, unless you've actually earned it. The number listed on the certificate appears to be either 468 or 168, neither of which corresponds to any existing listings on the AVPN's site, and Bertucci's is not listed as a United States member.
"There are a handful of restaurants that work really hard to obtain and maintain that certification," writes Jerrier on Facebook. "It's not easy. It's really slimy and disappointing to see restaurants just throw up a forged certificate on the wall. Your pizza is fine, but it is NOWHERE close to being authentic Neapolitan. Your gigantic, gas flame, Woodstone oven is a dead giveaway."
Massimo Di Porzio, executive vice president of the AVPN chimes in with a follow-up comment: "Our logo and rules are registrated in USA and Bertucci is not allowed by our board to use it. So please remove it, before we ask a lawyer to force you to remove. Regards." Neapolitan pizza is serious business.
UPDATE: Bertucci's has responded to Jerrier on Facebook: "Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We are looking into the situation and will remove them from any location that might be displaying one."
Submitter: I work at a small academic library where we’ve been trying to weed the reference section.We found this and not only is it 40 years old, it has that 40 year old smell to it, and many of the musicians have passed away since publication even though it’s written as if everyone is alive and kicking. Gotta love the hair height and the pant suit on the covers! Wyoming’s list of country stations only includes AM stations, and the author claims that John Denver “ain’t country, baby”.
Holly: This is spectacular. The hair! The fashion! It was a great choice for libraries 40 years ago. It’s a weeder now, unless there is some sort of music history curriculum at your school. Even then, I’ll bet there are music history books that treat 1974 as history. Weed and replace! Do enjoy the truly wondrous images below, though.
More Musical Madness:
On June 10, Wroclaw Zoo welcomed a female South African Fur Seal. This is the first offspring for the zoo's Seal group and keepers are pleased to report that the pups mother is taking great care of her newborn. Mother and child have been behind the scenes to allow the pair space and time to bond. After two weeks, keepers checked the sex of the pup and administered a medical examination. The female pup is healthy and curious about her surroundings, including her keepers.
The Supreme Court today overturned the Massachusetts law that set a buffer zone around abortion clinics as a violation of the First Amendment of protesters, or, as the court called them, "petitioners."
UM THIS BLOG IS THE BEST
The glossary was recently made public through a Freedom of Information request by the group MuckRock, which posted the PDF, called "Twitter shorthand," online. Despite its name, this isn't just Twitter slang: As the FBI's Intelligence Research Support Unit explains in the introduction, it's a primer on shorthand used across the Internet, including in "instant messages, Facebook and Myspace."
Yes, that does say Myspace.
The gems above definitely needed to be archived. I'm so glad I now know all the leet internet slang the youth of the internet use!
Submitted by: (via Washington Post)
holy shit @ this picture
Willem Dafoe and Mikhail Baryshnikov’s first encounter last year was uneventful—aside from the two minutes of dead silence at the beginning. It’s an odd tradition director Robert Wilson observes at early table readings. “Everybody starts to breathe a little deeper … or shallower,” Baryshnikov says. “I think Bob is waiting for that moment when someone will get up and say, ‘No, I changed my mind! Not doing this!’ ”
He didn’t, though that was just the tip of the weirdness iceberg. Starting June 22 at BAM, they will star in Wilson’s production of The Old Woman, based on a novella by Daniil Kharms, a Soviet writer who died in Stalin’s Gulag. Dressed nearly identically, in Kabuki-style whiteface, Baryshnikov and Dafoe perform a series of surreal vaudevillian scenes incorporating song and dance to relate Kharms’s tale. Baryshnikov, who had been eager to work with Wilson, “fell in love with this totally bizarre absurdity,” about a writer who discovers a dead woman in his home. He’s always been a Dafoe fan: “I started to see him 30 years ago with the Wooster Group, when my English wasn’t so good,” Baryshnikov says. “I couldn’t understand half of what they said, and I still can’t! But I remember Willem in many roles.” And, Baryshnikov adds, “he dances very well.” Dafoe recalls those nights too. “We were always very excited when Misha was in the audience,” he says. “And I appreciate that he’s done a lot—he’s taken on many experiments.”
Speaking of experimentalists: Wilson, explains Dafoe, “never really tells you what stuff means. In the beginning, it was like, ‘Try this page! Forget that! Say it three times! Say it backwards!’ It’s like you’re not preparing as much as performing a series of commands. It’s a wonderful and terrifying thing.”
*This article appears in the June 16, 2014 issue of New York Magazine.
Read more posts by Rebecca Milzoff
Miley Cyrus and Rihanna are no strangers to the art of toking up, but when producer Mike Will Made It appeared on Hot 97's morning show yesterday, he was tasked with answering which of the two rolls the better blunt. He had a controversial opinion.
"To tell you the truth, not too many people have been around Miley [when she smokes]," Will told the hosts. "But I've been around her and she'll roll a blunt this fat." He was less impressed with Rih's technique: "Rihanna rolls blunts too." (Check the delivery on that part.) "But you know what it is? Rihanna rolls blunts. I don't really smoke blunts. I smoke papers. Miley rolls papers, you know what I'm saying?" We finally know which singer to invite to our barbecues (the answer is both of them).
Fast forward to 15:52 to hear Will praise Miley's skills.
Read more posts by Brennan Carley
Not too sure what that means- but it says so right there, so it must be true. Maybe it means, “If you’re organized, that’s good?” These look like bookmarks, or page markers. And of course, The Big J being what it is, you can get them in different types. More Big J greatness for Toesday!
“I bought these “stick markers” in Japan (of course!) from the Loft Department Store. I may have started marking pages just to make myself giggle. I’ve been using them as page markers for books. They’re like tiny Post-its on Cute Steroids :), love you, CO!” -Trisha M.
For an album with at least five potential hit singles, Jason Derulo's Talk Dirty is staggeringly weird. Its cartoonishly raunchy titular song, for example, is structured around a klezmer alto sax line sampled from a band called Balkan Beat Box. Two tracks later is the ultra-sweet pop anthem "Trumpets," which sounds like a Glee cover of itself, and which also maintains the album's forceful but basically unintelligible sense of sex:
Is it weird that your ass
Remind me of a Kanye West song?
Is it weird that I hear
Trumpets when you’re turning me on?
Turning me on
Is it weird that your bra
Remind me of a Katy Perry song?
"Bubblegum" is just a straightforward butt song. "Kama Sutra" is an algorithmic tribute to penetration and commitment. "Zipper" is a song-length simile about intercourse that goes up and down and up and down until it finishes. "The Other Side" is a Katie Perry song, more or less, and a good one. Can you guess what it is that Jason Derulo wants to do "With the Lights On?"
Then there is the profoundly horny "Wiggle", which is millimeters short of a novelty song.
It begins with a catcall sketch and then spins off in about three different directions:
The entire album is assembled from odd parts, some truly alien and some just reclaimed from unlikely places, and it's wonderful. This song, however, might be the most disparate: There's Snoop Dogg playing a sort of elder creep role with his wiggle wiggle line; there's the pat-a-cake Instagram nursery rhyme; there's even a Schwing! for effect (the first Wayne's World sketch on SNL aired six months before Derulo was born). The hook is played on a toy flute purchased from Party City. But the weirdest part of this song isn't so easy to notice—it gets lost in context. Skip to 2:30, or just click here.
Is that??? Wait: Yes! Derulo is singing to the cello part in the Game of Thrones theme song. Up an octave, shuffled around, but it's there. It takes a couple listens—these videos might help:
Or this one is better, actually:
I mean, sure, same scale, similar sound, whatever. But I don't think that's all! In this interview, he identifies Troy as his favorite movie, before muttering something about being "obsessed" with GoT. Then there are these messages from two years ago:
Haha, Jason Derulo, what is your deal? And how did it somehow result in the best album of the year so far? If you're watching the GoT finale this weekend, listen up. And know that Jason Derulo, American music's most quietly eclectic pop star, is probably watching too.2 Comments
Submitter: The purpose of the book isn’t exactly clear. It doesn’t explain how to create Hanimations for yourself. It’s not a story about these creatures. It’s just…pictures of this guy’s painted hands? And in some pictures, an unusual amount of arm hair. More arm hair than is typically expected in books in the children’s department. It was last checked out in 1996. Added to the weed pile!
Holly: It’s actually kind of clever, in a creeptastic kind of way. You have to look closely in some of the pictures to figure out how many hands there are. You’d swear there were three or four hands in some of them, but I think they’re all the work of hairy-arm guy himself (although the peacock pictured below has suspiciously delicate wrists…). If it hasn’t circulated in 18 years, it’s probably a safe weeder.
More Creeptastic Hands:
The thing about a Mean Girls video game is that if you've seen Mean Girls enough times, you will be very good at the Mean Girls video game. Nevertheless, CineFix's 8-bit adaptation gamifies all the best parts, and you even have the option to "Puke on Aaron." Do it. Puke on him.
Read more posts by Lindsey Weber
who cares, i just want this bathing suit
Not content to let Gwyneth Paltrow be the only bottle of Nepotism Springs bland blonde water to gurgle out their thoughts on bloggers, the incense-burning fringed leather Goop Kate Hudson has added her name to the list of famous rich white ladies who get bummed out every time they read something not-nice about themselves online. In an interview with InStyle, Kate pushed out a single fauxhemian tear over those judgy assholes of the internet, but not before she could get in some judgemental shade at the expense of two of her old fuck pieces:
On acting like she never helped administer the daily juice-injections into the ass cheeks of her two roided-up exes, Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez:
“I was as shocked as anyone. But I personally think that you make the choices you make and you should reap the consequences. People have a right to [feel betrayed]. Lance and Alex are phenomenal athletes who have made some bad choices and let a lot of people down. It’s a decision they made for themselves and they’ve got to loathe it.”
On turning into Mr. Tyzik from The Kids in the Hall every time she sees the paparazzi:
“I mentally cut their heads off.”
On how bloggers should LEAVE KIM KARDASHIAN-TYPES ALOOOOONE (but also tricks who are starting to look like if Goldie Hawn fucked a decorative ceramic panther):
“The negativity is just so vast. Will everybody stop being so damned judgmental? If someone wants to go get butt implants, then sure, go get butt implants. The real question is, How do they treat the person next to them? Are they assholes or are they awesome?”
I know Kate Hudson wants me to stop being so damned judgemental, but I’m putting on my detachable lace collar and judging the fuck out of the near-sighted intern responsible for Photoshopping Kate Hudson to hell and back until she ended up resembling a boho Flat Stanley in a bikini. Dear InStyle: I’ve had paper dolls with more lifelike-looking legs than hers.