Someone rewrote the Melville classic as Emoji Dick
"The Wit and Wisdom of Tyrion Lannister" is a book
Books make perfect holiday gifts. They always fit, they’re easy to wrap, and they’re more fun to open than a gift card. (They also last much longer than a fruit basket.) Plus we make it really, really easy for you to find the right one.
If you don’t see the right gift above, browse through our gift guides by category. And if you’re still looking, please direct your attention over to Personal Penguin, where you can tell us a little about your intended recipient and get a personalized list of perfect presents.
piebooks. (Pie’s not actually anywhere near this easy.)
raisin the roof
Asshole of the Day, December 10, 2013: John McCain
At Nelson Mandela’s memorial service today, President Obama and Raul Castro shook hands. They didn’t see each other out, but Obama was greeting every one of the dignitaries. He made no special effort for Castro. Some people might call it good manners, but not John McCain:
But McCain said Obama should not have extended his hand to Castro.
"Of course not," the senator said when asked. "Why should you shake hands with somebody who’s keeping Americans in prison? I mean, what’s the point?"
"Neville Chamberlain shook hands with Hitler," he said, referring to the British prime minister’s infamous handshake with the German dictator as Britain was negotiating Germany’s takeover of the Sudentenland. The agreement paved the way for the spread of Germany’s military across Europe.
To hear John McCain tell it, President Obama, with one handshake, just gave away southern Florida and most of the Caribbean to Cuba, which will in a few years lead to World War.
But maybe, Senator McCain, the President was just being polite at someone else’s party. No one loves a guest who comes and picks a fight with another guest, especially at a funeral. And since you’re smart enough to know the difference, even if you choose not to, well, that means you’re the one without the manners.
It is John McCain’s first time being named Asshole of the Day.
Here’s a satirical take on the conservative freakout over the Castro handshake I posted this afternoon:
from "The Worst Things for Sale" and for the various dildo names
I’ve blurred this item, the “Trojan Horse Dildo,” because it’s an 18″ dildo in the shape of a horse’s dick. You can see the uncensored picture on the product listing if that’s your thing. The manufacturer describes it as “life-like”, which raises the question: Did they have to A/B test with a real horse to legally make this claim?
“Trojan Horse” has nice historical connotations, but if you’re buying a horse dildo based on how funny the name is, I’d suggest “Mr. Ed.” There’s also a dog dildo, called “Clifford The Big Red Dog Dong,” which steps it up a notch. But none of these hold a candle to the best animal dildo name of all. I present to you: “Moby’s Dick: Anatomically Correct Whale Dildo.”
anonymous asked: Yo, I always suspected, but it’s good to know for sure.
This is a pretty good bumper sticker.
don't miss the mouseover text
Pets are weird. I once met a pet turtle whose owners described him as “a real asshole.” He was an unfriendly little murderer who offered nothing to be happy about. And that guy is projected to last another 40 years! That gives his owners two options: Let the next 40+ years of their life get stained by the ownership of a terrible turtle, or actively discard this one-time family member. At least when the same thing happens with people you probably didn’t have a choice in the matter.
That’s why the best pets are the ones that crap out after about 15 years. They last long enough to accompany you through maybe 2 or 3 significant lifetime milestones, which is a hell of a lot better than letting a little cruel monster define the majority of your time here on this earth. Sure, you might get sad if your loyal dog or favorite rat bites the big one, but it’s better than your pet outliving you and your children remembering you by inheriting your tiny spoiled asshole friend.
This is also why robot pets will never take off.
this. i can't even
Just a few of my internet bugaboos. What are yours? Happy Monday!
Is Eric Cantor asshole of the day for calling the police on some children singing in his office?
Majority Leader Eric Cantor’s staff called the police on a group of children who were singing songs in support of immigration reform, and had them removed from their office.
You can see in the video above that Capitol Hill police were very nice and pleasant to the children and their adult chaperones. Cantor’s staff came up with the lame excuse that they had to call the cops, because the kids didn’t have an appointment and wouldn’t leave.
Photo source: http://cantor.house.gov/biography
Flat out, Republicans are evil, racist, and stupid.
Yeah, but how many evil dolphins intentionally wrecked ships? No survivors to tell those tales.
In the summer of 1978, four men rowed a small boat into the deep water off Dassen Island, South Africa, to fish for barracuda. When mist overtook them, they weighed anchor and tried to return to shore, but visibility dropped so quickly that they were soon lost.
Mac Macgregor was in the bow, trying to peer through the mist, when he felt a bump on the right-hand side and discovered two dolphins there, repeatedly forcing the bow to the left, where two more dolphins were swimming.
“I realized that the dolphins’ odd behavior could be significant and shouted to Mr. [Kobus] Stander to steer to the left,” Macgregor said. “Mr. Stander pulled the tiller round wildly and we just managed to graze past the rocks.”
They continued some further distance through the mist, the dolphins continuing to force the prow to the left, and presently they just missed some further rocks — again on the right. “I was getting a strange feeling that we ought to leave our destiny to the dolphins,” Stander said, “since it was clear they had twice prevented us from running on to the rocks.”
The dolphins led the boat for half an hour until it entered calm water, then played around it briefly and disappeared. “When the mist cleared and the houses of Ysterfontein could be discerned, we were speechless,” Stander said. “We had intended going ashore at Dassen Island. We had never dreamed that the dolphins would guide us to Ysterfontein.”
In 1972, when her cabin cruiser sank in the Indian Ocean off Mozambique, a South African woman set out to swim the 25 miles to land. She was trailed by half a dozen sharks, attracted by a cut on her foot. But “as the sharks circled closer … two dolphins appeared at her side,” the New York Times reported. “The young woman, Yvonne Vladislavich, said that the dolphins guarded her against marauding sharks, escorted her as she swam and helped her stay afloat when her strength was failing.” They protected her until she was able to climb onto a buoy, from which she was later rescued.
(“Dolphins Rescue Fishermen,” South African Panorama, August 1978; “South African Reports a Rescue by Dolphins,” New York Times, Sept. 10, 1972.)
Robert Benchley’s favorite joke, according to Harpo Marx in Harpo Speaks!, 1961:
A man gets on the train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. ‘How old’s your kid?’ the conductor says, and the father says he’s four years old. ‘He looks at least twelve to me,’ says the conductor, and the father says, ‘Can I help it if he worries?’
When Montenegro declared independence from Yugoslavia, its top-level domain changed from .yu to .me.