Editor’s Note: Not surprisingly, I have a lot of contacts in the adult film industry. Also not surprisingly, most of them have great stories. Here, a long-time FilmDrunk reader who now works in an adult film-related business tells us about the kind of mail he gets. And yes, “Rex Sycamore” is totally his real name (*wink*).
Who doesn’t like to get an old-fashioned, hand-written or typewriter-typed letter in the mail? You know – the kind that arrives in an envelope instead of an inbox? It seems that this lost art is reserved only for the passionate; those with a message so special, so important that it can only be represented by the written word in hard copy, delivered directly to you, the one person who can appreciate the importance of their thoughts.
My coworkers and I are among the lucky few to receive these rare examples of artful communication on a regular basis. You see, we work in porn, and certain fans of our product regularly communicate their best ideas, deepest desires and well-documented complaints to us via the U.S. Mail.
“You call these big dicks?” one disappointed patron scribed with care. “I’m bigger than all those pencil dicks in this movie, and that’s not saying much. This was a waste of money.”
You can’t blame the guy for knowing what he likes. In fact, that’s the biggest common denominator across these pieces of correspondence. See if you can spot the recurring themes in this customer’s manifesto. Note, this is transcribed as received, our response is in italics.
Dear Sir or Miss:
Please try to make these movies.
- White Grandmothers & Female Teens & A Black Man. You’re going to need to be more specific here, sir. As a concept, 1/10.
- The mom tells the daughter to bring over a guy friend to study with. The guy shows up (he’s Black). The mom tells them to study upstairs in the bedroom. The mom goes up a few minutes later & sees her daughter giving him a blow job. The mom joins in making love with both of them. The mother has a nice dress on & stocking. OK – first, thank you for capitalizing the word Black – it shows respect. Second, I’m confused – is stocking used as a verb here, or is the mother an amputee? 4/10.
- Black Lomo driver is taking 4 white teens to the prom & the girls are getting drunk & horney. He watches them & goes to the hood & picks up 2 black friends & they all jump in the back. I have some questions. What’s a Lomo? Is this two lesbian couples or four super independent girls who “chose” not to have anyone ask them to prom? Does the Lomo driver join in? If so, I’m assuming this is one of them super-stretch Lomos because that makes seven people in the back. Do they have sex in the Lomo, or just go to the prom and make a scene? 4/10.
- 2 Middle aged white women check in at motel & have a Black bellhop come up, because the TV doesn’t work. A bellhop? At a motel? To fix a TV? Revise to have them ask the bellhop at a swanky Vegas hotel to carry up their unusually heavy, vibrating luggage. With that change, not bad. 5/10.
- Two white ladies are bored so they call for a striper, all they had left was a female striper, they said OK. A white female walks in with a black male body guard, the striper puts on a show & then everyone joined in. All females had stockings on. Assuming we’re not talking about bass, and that by “joined in” you mean they have sex, this one’s passable. 6/10.
- A couple of older ladies meet an old friend one day & the friend looked much younger, the other ladies asked why you look so young. She said I eat Black cum. At that time all the ladies go out to find Black cum. Starring Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte. 4/10.
- A Black couple has a white baby sitter. They come home & the baby sitter is dress (with stocking & skirt on) for a date. The couple put the moves on the baby sitter. The females are both wearing stocking. This is the most unrealistic of the lot. The kid will surely wake up and ruin everything. Good call on the hosiery, though. 2/10.
- White lady & her husband in a bar, the husband said what you want for your birthday; she looked around & said those 2 guys. He said but there Black. She said you said anything. He said OK but I’m going to be in the closet taping it. She brings the 2 Black guys back to her house. AAANNNND???? Do they do it? Does the husband get caught? Is “taping it” a euphemism for masturbating while crying?
- A chubby white girl dresses up for a job in film, there are 2 white ladies interviewing her. She must do both girls to get the job. No stocking or Black dudes? WTF? Useless. 1/10
- Computer dating service gets wires crossed & sends wrong people on dates. 1) White girl is waiting for Lee Roy & finds out 2 Black comes one is Lee the other is Roy. 2) White girl is waiting & Pat shows up, but it’s a girl. 3) a Black couple waits for Shemale & a white She Male shows up. I kind of dig the whole Lee and Roy shtick, but androgynous Pat is so ‘80s. We’ll use the shemale thing, though. Good save. 6/10.
- Ugly White Girls Lick Black Asses – Female master gets a girl to put on lipstick (sex drug) & she does everything she wants for her & the black guys she calls up. 10/10.
- White mother has her female friends over to make love to your step daughter for money. MY step daughter? What the f*ck, dude? 0/10.
PLEASE NOTE ALL WOMEN SHOULD HAVE DIFFERENT COLOR STOCKINGS or BODY STOCKINGS ON Jesus Christ, we get it.
Truthfully, letters like this reassure us that we are inspiring independent thinking, creativity, and faith that a note sent randomly to an address found in legal fine print on the back of a DVD will effectively earn you a role as porn writer. This, and your money, keep us energized and ready to face each new day with vigor. So, keep them coming… Um, keep the juices flowing… keep it up… Did I mention it’s impossible to have a normal conversation in this industry?