Shared posts

10 Jul 18:02

Guy Fieri Was Nominated For An Emmy

by dguproxx
SBWFF 2011 - Grand Tasting Village

Getty Image


I usually don’t like to play the whole cross-category “So-and-so was nominated for an Emmy but Other-so-and-so wasn’t” outrage game because, for the most part, that’s why categories exist in the first place. Comparing the stacked fields for Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Drama to the ones for, like, Best Hat In A Miniseries Or Whatever is bound to leave you with weird, potentially upsetting results. (“OH, SO MCCONAUGHEY AND HARRELSON GET NOMINATED BUT DETECTIVE SOLVERSON’S FUZZY POLICE HAT GETS SNUBBED? THIS IS BULLSH*T.”)

And besides, it’s kind of hilarious to watch self-serious television critics have a heart attack over Dog With a Blog receiving more nominations than shows and actors/actresses they’ve been championing all year long, as though the Disney Channel show about the talking computer-savvy canine and the intense period piece about Russian spies during the Cold War are peers in any way whatsoever. That’s been fun.

But, with all that said, I would like to bring one thing to your attention that might make your head explode a little bit.

fieriaward

emmy awards


That’s right. Guy Fieri, Captain Flavortown himself, was nominated for an Emmy this year. And you know what? I HOPE HE WINS, if only to watch the Internet tear itself to pieces the next day. Burn it down. Burn it all down.

[laughs maniacally, sprays Donkey Sauce everywhere]


Filed under: TV Tagged: 2014 Emmy Awards, guy fieri
07 Jul 16:30

People Still Believe That This Six-Year Old Gatorade Commercial Is Actually Real

by Ashley Burns
Jim.bray

Fucking facebook.

It was about six years ago that a video of a ball girl at a Fresno Grizzlies baseball game making an impossible catch in the left field corner was “leaked” and started going viral at an insane rate. The video, as it was revealed in the months following the leak, was part of a canceled Gatorade ad campaign created by Element 79 and directed by Baker Smith, and it was actually filmed at Chukchansi Park, where the Grizzlies play. However, despite the hopes and dreams of the hundreds of thousands of people who watched that video in the first few months that it was on YouTube, the ball girl didn’t make that jump. Instead, she was a stunt girl attached to cables, and some very impressive digital work was used to make it look like she showed up Fresno’s left fielder, who was actually a minor league infielder named Jake Wald just playing his role in a spectacular illusion.

So why the sudden trip down Memory of a Video You’ve Seen 1,000 Times Lane? Because like the Gillette ad featuring Evan Longoria making “an insane catch” that suddenly found its way back into your Facebook feeds last month, the acrobatic parkour ball girl has returned, too. This seems to happen at least once a year, if not more, so I’ve never paid much attention to it, because what’s the harm in letting people enjoy a commercial that they never got to see on TV? But this weekend, as it found its way into my Facebook feed yet again, I finally realized that not only do people still think this thing is real, but there are irresponsible a-holes out there using it to spark Internet gender flame wars.

One of the more recent culprits spreading this video for attention and the “ZOMG! WOW! WATCH THIS U GUYS!” is some “technopreneur” I’ve never heard of, but he is responsible for 274,956 people sharing it since April, and there are still people who think it’s real commenting on it as you read this. Naturally, because I had nothing better to do over my holiday weekend, I fell into a deep rabbit hole of the comments on this video, and I just… I just can’t believe this is happening, you guys. If these are your friends, or you have friends that are still sharing this video or others like it, tap them on the shoulder, point somewhere in the distance and shout, “Look at that!” and then delete their Facebook accounts.

1 Facebook idiot

In his defense, when called out on just how hilariously wrong he was, Jim did what any good Internet commenter does and ignored it as long as he could until one person kept calling him out and he typed a timid non-apology. Keep fighting the good fight, Jim.

2 Facebook idiot

Facebook


Yes, those Triple-A ballplayers are simply paid too much and have no incentive to try. Especially the infielders pretending to be outfielders for a commercial shoot.

3 Facebook idiot

It counted as a quadruple grand slam perfect game.

4 Facebook idiot

Never even touched a boob, those losers.

5 Facebook idiot

I hope the stunt girl added this comment to her portfolio.

6 Facebook idiot

And if she does…

BTILC

Fox


Don’t even get Judi started on TWO girls with green eyes. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!

7 Facebook idiot

Holy moly. Speaking of this Snopes breakdown that is accurate and true…

19 Facebook idiot

It is correct footage if by correct you mean digitally-enhanced.

8 Facebook idiot

I have. I read every comment just like this one, so I’ve seen roughly 3,000 rocket scientists.

9 Facebook idiot

Except it’s fake. It’s fake and I know it.

10 Facebook idiot

Look, jumping into a volcano can be as pleasant as eating a Choco Taco, but I’ll never know because my common sense makes me think it would instead suck. Just like trying to jump up an outfield wall makes me think I’d break a bunch of bones and probably rupture a nut.

11 Facebook idiot

Internet commenters gonna comment with stupid, meaningless phrases. Hey, let’s check in with Joseph Campagnolo again.

12 Facebook idiot

Something tells me this guy has a lot of opinions that he’d like to share with everyone, all the time.

13 Facebook idiot

Yes, this whole thing is just because I’m threatened by wall-climbing ball girls taking over my favorite sport.

14 Facebook idiot

Quite easy. I do it twice, nay thrice daily for craps and laughs.

15 Facebook idiot

Ball girls are actually encouraged to do this. They just don’t do it that often, because if she had dropped the ball, she would have been fed to lions during the seventh inning stretch.

16 Facebook idiot

That one made me laugh a lot.

17 Facebook idiot

It wasn’t stagged. No way that was stragged. I refuse to believe that was straggled. It couldn’t have been stragglered.

18 Facebook idiot

I bet he’s the dad that all of the other parents love standing next to at games.

20 Facebook idiot

Even if they did have those cool cameras, the women wouldn’t have been able to use them, AM I RIGHT FELLAS?

21 Facebook idiot

I’d call this dude a liar, but it’s CNN so it probably took up a whole day of news coverage.

22 Facebook idiot

Okay, you’re either a liar or you were so drunk that you didn’t see the wires.


F*ck you, Internet.


Filed under: Sports, TV, Upcoming Tagged: COMMERCIALS, Facebook, facebook commenters, FAKE, fake fake fake, GATORADE, Minor League Baseball, REAL OR FAKE, Viral Videos
23 Jun 14:30

Nathan Fielder Has Been Sneaking Lewd Images Into His Instagram Pictures For Weeks

by dguproxx
Jim.bray

Love this show.

fielder

instagram


The second season of Comedy Central’s Nathan For You premieres next Tuesday, July 1. While there are many ways to promote the return of your critically acclaimed sketch series, it appears as though the show’s star, Nathan Fielder, may have found the best: opening up an Instagram account and posting a series of ordinary seeming pictures that all feature a tiny, semi-hidden image of an old man masturbating.

Oh, did you not realize that’s what you were looking at in the banner image? Look closer. And then look at the three other pictures on his Instagram dating back three full weeks. Yup, each one. A 100% sneaky dong rate. And there was actually a fourth picture up for a little while featuring the same image clear as day in the rearview mirror of his car, but it appears as though Instagram got wise to that one and pulled it down. The lesson here is that Nathan Fielder remains very good at Internet pranks.

Anyway, do you want to know what my favorite part of all this is? I’ll tell you. It’s that Nathan Fielder got the big fancy New York Times Magazine profile treatment about two weeks ago, and while he was being introduced to the high-minded, longread-inclined readership of the glossy version of this country’s paper of record, there was a picture on his Instagram that contained a hidden image in the reflection on his sunglasses of an old, Santa-looking man pleasuring himself. The man is a rascal. I hope he never changes.

NOTE: We’re putting a couple of the pictures from Nathan’s photo series on the next page, because the old man dong is a little less obscured. OBVIOUS WARNING: the photos might be NSFW.


Filed under: TV Tagged: COMEDY CENTRAL, dongs, nathan fielder, nathan for you
19 Mar 17:00

Bob Sapp is a Human Transporter

Jim.bray

Excuse me ... please you to be carrying me?

Bob Sapp is a Human Transporter

Submitted by: Unknown

Tagged: gifs , bob sapp , muscles , win Share on Facebook
17 Jun 12:45

Lena Headey Is Really Good At Drinking Wine In Real Life, Too

by Josh Kurp

No one drinks wine half as well as Cersei on Game of Thrones, so when actress Lena Headey (“That’s Headey!”) dropped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, the host couldn’t resist an ol’ fashioned insult-off over a helping of the grape. Wearing a “I’m Not Sorry” shirt, Headey won her Thrones-style chat with Kimmel, with her icy hate flowing through jibes like, “That is a lovely tie, it’s a shame it’s around such a worthless neck.” Might wanna check your cup for Essence of Nightshade, Jimmy…


Filed under: Media, TV Tagged: game of thrones, jimmy kimmel live, LENA HEADEY, wine
16 Jun 14:30

The First Image Of The Paddington Bear Movie Has Inspired A Delightful Horror Meme

by Ashley Burns
1 Paddington

Heyday Films


Great news, nostalgia freaks, Paddington Bear is coming to the big screen in his very own live action adventure for Christmas 2014. I’m sure a lot of people have read that news and thought, “What the f*ck, Michael Bay?” but this beloved children’s book character seems to be getting the treatment that a 56-year cuddly bear in a raincoat actually deserves. Paddington stars Nicole Kidman and Jim Broadbent, as well as Colin Firth as the voice of the titular bear, despite the fact that I’m told by so-called experts that bears can’t actually speak. Science aside, the first trailer for Paddington hit YouTube last week, and you can see for yourself that it at least looks better than Yogi Bear.

Along with the trailer, the first image for Paddington (above) was also released last week, and as usual people on the Internet didn’t respond that well to something from their childhoods being given a new look. Specifically, a lot of people thought that Paddington looked pretty f*cking creepy, so quite a few Photoshop programs were fired up and the meme du jour was born with “Creepy Paddington.”
















Filed under: Film Drunk, Media Tagged: CREEPY PADDINGTON, MEMES, NICOLE KIDMAN, PADDINGTON, PADDINGTON BEAR, Photoshops, TRAILERS
09 Jun 23:25

Nicolas Cage Wears Crazy Well

by Matt

Nicholas Cage Looking Might Crazy

In a meta example of psych ward behavior, Nicolas Cage was photographed at a Guns ‘N Roses concert wearing a T-shirt of himself looking completely insane, while he himself looked completely insane. He added to his nut job appearance by donning half of the accessories available in Aisle 6 at the local Halloween costume shop. Cage’s recent eccentric behavior includes dramatic overspending on basic household items such as dinosaur bones, purchasing burial rites in a pyramid, electing to dine upon only animals that have engaged in sexual behavior, and hair implants so complex they had to be inserted by that robot that beat Kasparov in chess. Cage used to dress all preppy and button down masking the fog of insanity that lay beneath. In a way, it’s nice to know that crazy people will eventually lean toward crazy people wardrobe so we can readily identify the ones that will bite us if we don’t give them a dollar in the street.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

29 May 17:17

The Dude Who Invented Snapchat Didn’t Invent Snapchat Soon Enough

by Lex
Jim.bray

I love "HANDLED the weekend!"

Evan-Spiegel-at-Tech-Crunch-2

Like everybody else who is rich or famous and disliked in 2014, young Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel is now having his old emails and messages parsed and publicized to make him look like a total privileged rich white sexist asshole. He almost certainly is, but that’s not really the point.  The media and his detractors have keyed in on Evan’s Animal House exultations to his Kappa Sigma brothers at Stanford while he served as their Social Chairman:

this has happened because we are all having a blast together, so, give yourself a pat on the back, or have some girl put your large kappa sigma dick down her throat because you fucking HANDLED this weekend. Can’t wait to see everyone on the blackout express soon — evan

I wonder if my TA has ever been peed on. She’s pretty hot for a TriDelt.

There’s a a ton more shit about raging and kegs and drugs and getting super fucked up and getting laid and how certain sorority girls are bitches and other stuff that is exactly what you would imagine a rich kid named Evan who wears a robe and is the social chairman of a frat would say in private emails to his beta male idiotic brothers. Though not technically idiotic since they invented Snapchat and are worth billions, but you get the point. When the messages went public, Evan was forced to respond with some empty apology crafted by his public relations team:

I’m obviously mortified and embarrassed that my idiotic emails during my fraternity days were made public. I have no excuse. I’m sorry I wrote them at the time and I was [a] jerk to have written them. They in no way reflect who I am today or my views towards women.

Obviously, who can be held accountable for what they wrote all of three to four years ago. I’m sure you no longer feel the TriDelt girls need a good piss in the face.  And who under the age of 60 has even been ‘mortified’. But isn’t the point really that you’re just a run of the mill asshole that we all could be made out to be if anybody parsed our history of private emails and text messages? Maybe not as a big of an asshole as you, but close. Everybody is vulnerable to this kind of digital record these days. If only there were an application that allowed stupid young people to share pictures of their genitals and find the after-school weed connect and make hateful social comments without any lingering record. Evan invented the cure for his own disease, he just didn’t do it soon enough.

Photo credit: Getty Images

19 May 16:42

Googly-Eye Porno Is Something That Exists Now

by Vince Mancini
Google-Eye-Porn

WoodRocket


The conventional wisdom is that Tube sites are killing the porn industry, and that might be partly true, but with upheaval cums opportunity. As president and interracial action connoisseur Thomas Jefferson once said, the back tattoo of liberty needs to be refreshed from time to time with the jizz of patriots. So it is that Lee Roy Myers’ WoodRocket (“the future of porn”) is fighting free content with free content, hoping that innovative content will bring the eyeballs and the money.

To go along with Game of Bones, The Knobbit, and Topless Girls Reading Books (all available for free), WoodRocket is now offering Googly Eye Porno. Proving once again that everything is funnier with googly eyes. We’ve got a couple SFW examples, but you can check out the full gallery on WoodRocket. There may come a day when I won’t giggle at googly eye parodies, but it has not yet arrived.

Googly-Eyes-Gameof-bones

WoodRocket


Googly-Eyes-SpongKnob

We just thought you should know.


Filed under: Film Drunk, Media Tagged: GOOGLY EYE PORNO, LEE ROY MYERS, PORNO, WOODROCKET
16 May 11:03

Tom Cruise Updated His Twitter Bio And Now It Describes His Movie Career Perfectly

by ryanuproxx
cruisemi4

Paramount Pictures


Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but the man has had one hell of a film career. One that is nearly impossible to summarize in 140 characters or less. And yet, Cruise managed to do just that on his Twitter bio, which an astute Redditor noticed was recently changed to include the perfect last line:

tomcruise

Twitter


It’s great to see Cruise embrace the internet’s obsession with his propensity to run like a complete maniac in nearly EVERY film. There are Tumblrs, memes, mashups, and plenty of career-spanning videos dedicated to the diminutive dasher’s high-kneed, arms-a-pumping, all-out sprints. Here’s the latest “comprehensive” supercut, which will, of course, be outdated as soon as Edge of Tomorrow comes out next month.


Filed under: Film Drunk, Web Culture Tagged: Edge of Tomorrow, TOM CRUISE, Twitter
14 May 20:00

Watch This Hopelessly Dopey Dog Totally Suck At Catching Treats In Its Mouth

by staceyuproxx
nana-the-dog

YouTube


I feel like after that video of the super cat rescuing the kid from the dog earlier, it wouldn’t hurt to serve a reminder — in the form of this video which has been floating around for the past day or so — that while a small percentage of dogs are vicious and terrible, most of them are big, harmless dopes. Take Nana the Great Pyrenees, here, who literally could not bite a child’s leg if it were thrown directly into her mouth.

Poor Nana. You’ll get the hang of it one of these days, you big fluffy thing.


Filed under: TV, Web Culture Tagged: Dogs, Viral Videos
25 Apr 00:45

Meet Ryan Beitz, The Man Who Wants To Own Every VHS Copy Of ‘Speed’ On Earth

by Ashley Burns

There is ambition and then there’s Ryan Beitz. Earlier this week, Vice ran an interview with this seemingly unusual and eccentric young man, whose sole mission in life is to obtain every VHS copy of the 1994 action thriller Speed, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. And when I say that he wants every copy, I mean his goal is to somehow find and own every VHS copy that exists in the world right now. It is an absolute shame that there are multiple Real Housewives and Kardashian reality shows and this guy is still telling his story to websites. But I digress.

Beitz has set up a website called “The World Speed Project,” as well as a Facebook page with 1,772 fans as of today, through which supporters can send their VHS copies to Beitz. He already claims to have more than 500 copies, with an additional 26 Laser Disc versions, which don’t count, because that would just be ridiculous. On top of the collection, Beitz has also launched a Kickstarter project to raise money for fixing up his 15-passenger van to make it look like the out-of-control bus from Speed. In case you haven’t made the connection yet, this dude REALLY LOVES SPEED.

Why don’t you tell me what got you started collecting the Speeds?

I lived in Seattle and was super broke, and I had to come up with Christmas presents for my family. Usually I would just, like, dumpster-dive books or something and give them to them, but when I was at the pawn shop they had six copies of Speed, and I thought it would be really funny to get everybody in my family the same gift, even me. I wanted to watch them open them one at a time and go, “Oh, Speed. Don’t we already have this?” Somebody else would go, “Oh, Speed. Really funny, Ryan.” Then by the time you went around, everybody would have gotten the same gift from me. Then I could tell them that I love them all equally, you know? Just some bullshit.

Then when I bought all six it was, like, way too good. I realized it was really fascinating to have that many, like, same copies of a thing. What really cemented it was when I went to another pawn shop, and they had, like, 30 copies. I said, “I’ll take them all.” They sold them to me for 11 cents a copy.

How many copies do you have right now?

I don’t know, like 550 or something. I haven’t counted in a while ’cause who really cares?

And you’re going to collect them all.

Yeah. People always go, “Dude how many of these things are you going to get?” And I’m like, “All of them, duh.” (Via Vice)

I know that people are looking at Beitz and wondering what the hell would drive someone to work toward such a bizarre goal, but I have to admit that I think this is pretty awesome, because if it makes the guy happy and he’s not hurting anyone, then more power to him. The one question that I’m upset that Georgia Perry failed to ask, though – and I strongly urge you to read the entire interview, because Beitz has some thoughts on capitalism and Freud as well – is why he’s just settling for Speed? Why not Speed 2: Cruise Control as well? Is that the goal for after he accomplishes the first plan? Will he purchase his own boat to make it look like the cruise ship from Speed 2 or, like most of us, does he not recognize the existence of the sequel, because it was stupid to replace Keanu Reeves?

There are so many questions yet to be asked. Especially, does he really bathe in his copies of Speed? Because that’s not really bathing.



Filed under: Film Drunk Tagged: collections, collectors, kickstarter, kickstarter projects, RYAN BEITZ, SPEED, VHS, VHS TAPES, VICE, WTF
16 Apr 18:01

Will Ferrell And John C. Reilly Escape From Mexico In ‘Border Guards’

by Vince Mancini

Stepbrothers

Imagine if Stepbrothers and Casa De Mi Padre groped each other at the office Christmas party and you basically get Border Guards, a new film from Adam McKay starring Will Ferrell and my favorite actor in the world, John C. Reilly.

The studio has closed a deal with Oscar-nominated In The Loop writer Jesse Armstrong to pen Border Guards. It’s a comedy that McKay is eyeing to direct, with Ferrell and Reilly playing two hapless but earnest friends who decide to give purpose to their lives by protecting America’s borders from illegal immigrants. In the process they find themselves accidentally stranded in Mexico without identification and must sneak back into the U.S. [Deadline]

Stepbrothers was about as close as you can get to “a film about nothing,” a series of sketches loosely stitched together that mostly worked because Ferrell and Reilly are two of the greatest comedic improv actors in the world, especially when they’re together. In the Loop, by contrast, is mostly about understated acting and devastatingly vulgar one-liners. It’s kind of a weird marriage. It could prove Will Ferrell’s versatility, or it could be like trying to combine caviar and marshmallows. But if they could combine boats and hoes…

Does this mean we could be seeing… boots and hoes?

Mexican-Pointy-Boots

VICE



Filed under: Film Drunk Tagged: Adam McKay, BORDER GUARDS, JESSE ARMSTRONG, JOHN C. REILLY, SONY, WILL FERRELL
18 Mar 14:30

This Website Tracks The Rise And Fall Of Every TV Show In Graph Form

by Josh Kurp

dexter hannah

I miss Dexter. Or more specifically, I miss the idea of Dexter. No show in recent memory has gone from being as unanimously beloved to widely hated as Showtime’s serial killer drama, and I’ve honestly grown fond of the way it brought people together. No matter your beliefs, we all could agree on one thing: Dexter was terrible. And now you can see just how bad it became in visual form, thanks to Graph TV.

Graph TV attempts to graph tv show ratings by episode. Assigns a different color to each season and generates a simple linear regression from the ratings given to episodes each season. Each point on the graph displays the episode title, rating, and other data and is clickable to reach its IMDb. (Via)

Here are some notable shows with dramatic rises and tragic falls (so, Dexter).

Breaking Bad

chart(4)

The Office

chart(3)

The Simpsons

chart(2)

Lost

chart(6)

Scrubs

chart(5)

Dexter

chart(1)

Community

chart

Via Graph TV

12 Mar 04:28

Pat Robertson: Watching Porn Gives Demons Permission To Ruin Our Lives

by Andrew Roberts

Pat Robertson is still kicking and hosting The 700 Club from time to time, despite his advanced age and numerous bullsh*t claims about natural disasters. He’s one of my favorite forms of entertainment and the last of a dying breed, making bold proclamations about demons and the end of the world while telling weak willed men to send their wives to Saudi Arabia so they’ll listen better. He’s a real peach.

The video above provides a perfect recent example of his demon fascination, as Robertson attempts to explain to a lowly viewer how the darkness is able to enter our lives through a viewing of x-rated features and the “macabre” parts of our media. I’m assuming that was the big meaning behind “darkness becomes you” on True Detective. From The Raw Story:

The TV preacher pointed out that he doubted demons had caused the car crash in this case, but it was possible.

“A few years ago I heard about a teenage girl who was demon possessed, and people began to deal with the demon and try to cast it out,” he recalled. “And you know what the demon said? ‘I had permission.’ And the permission was granted when this child had gone to some double-X-rated movie, or whatever it was, and had allowed this thing to come into her.”

“I know this sounds kind of otherworldly, but that’s the way it is,” the televangelist insisted. “So, could it have happened to you? Yes. I don’t think it did, but could have.”

If porno and horror movies are allowing demons into our lives, I’m f*cked. I’m shocked I haven’t wrecked my car, killed my dog, gone to prison and mixed my colors with my whites at this point. The fact that I’m not walking around with a bunch of pink underwear must mean that my demon is quite patient.

Or maybe it is not there yet, which is understandable. We did just find out the identity of that Duke Co-Ed porn star after all,  and with the things people search for daily on the internet, demons are probably working overtime.

In the end, my main curiosity with Robertson and his exclusive club is how he fools these folks into working for him. What is going through the mind of his co-host when he goes on a tangent about macaroni and cheese or Buddha? Are they like him or are they just trying to wait him out and ascend to his throne?

Better get comfortable. Pat Robertson is the Avon Barksdale of the religious pundit world and “the king stay the king” as they say.

(Via The Raw Story)

05 Mar 20:04

‘What Is Dallas Buyers Club About?’ The Top 10 Oscars-Related Google Searches

by Vince Mancini
Jim.bray

Sharing just for the google autocomplete at the bottom.

Getty Image

"But, sir, the five-year lipper average is trending both 'fake' and 'gay.'"


Researching the most-searched terms or phrases is always a terrifying journey into our civilization’s collective moronic id. It can feel alien and strangely revealing simultaneously, such as the porn-search live scroll, or the regional map of most-searched porn terms. Obviously the Oscars aren’t nearly as revealing as that, but when 44 million people all watch the same thing, it’s interesting to get a peek into the collective stream of consciousness.

The Hollywood Reporter has published some of the most-searched terms:

Top 5 Oscar-Related Questions During the Show

1. Who presented with Matthew McConaughey?

2. Who is Jennifer Lawrence Dating?

3. When is Kerry Washington due?

4. What is Dallas Buyers Club about?

5. How many times has Leonardo DiCaprio been nominated?

Top 5 Oscar-Related Searches and Questions at Show’s End

1. Jared Leto

2. How old is Sidney Poitier?

3. Lupita Nyong’o

4. Ellen Twitter selfie

5. Pink “Somwhere Over the Rainbow”

The answers to these questions are Kim Novak, Nicholas Hoult, Soon, a straight guy that gets diagnosed with AIDs and starts smuggling in not-yet-approved AIDs drugs for fellow patients (our review), Four (the first being What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, in 1994), Jared Leto, 87, Lupita Nyong’o, This, and “did you mean ‘Pink Somewhere Over the Rainbow’?”, respectively.

I’m actually shocked that nothing was mean or perverse and only one thing was misspelled. You mean to tell me that the vast majority of the public knows the correct spelling of “McConaughey?” I mean, I do, but I type it roughly 37 times a day. Anyway, my point is that this all seems strangely mature for a system that, as comedian Matt Lieb‘s world famous “how come” game shows us, nets “How come guys get boners” for “How come g…”

How-Come-Guys-Get-Boners

06 Jan 14:42

JAPAN WTF gifs compilation - Imgur

by coopersobchak
Jim.bray

Excuse me, I think ... yes? redux REDUX!

14 Jan 17:20

Hollywood Is Assembling Its Deck For A ‘Magic: The Gathering’ Movie Franchise

by Nathan Birch
Jim.bray

...finally.

gammasquadmagicClearly this needs to be movie. 

Hollywood, desperate for another excuse to line up two CGI armies and have them fight Lord of the Rings style, has announced they’re planning to tap Magic: The Gathering for their next major fantasy movie series. Hmmmm.

Listen, Magic: The Gathering is a fun game! I spent an inordinate amount of time and money on it during my teenage years, but it’s not like there’s any particularly well-defined lore behind it all. Okay, well, there sort of is, but I’ve never met anyone who cared about it. But then, that’s probably what Hollywood likes about the game — nobody’s going to complain about the story, because who keeps track of that stuff? Basically, to Hollywood Magic is just a thousand little pieces of concept art to inspire its CGI army.   

Anyways, it’s 20th Century Fox that’s snagged the Magic rights, and they’re hoping to turn it into a major Harry Potter or LoTR level phenomenon. Fox has already enlisted Simon Kinberg (writer/producer of the recent X-Men movies and uh, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) as writer/mastermind of the new series.

So, will you have to watch the movie 10-minutes at a time by buying booster packs? Also, will there be different versions of the movie based on the different colors of Magic cards? I’ll be damned if I’m watching a Magic: The Gathering movie starring Red or Green characters — Blue and Black fo’ life.

via The Hollywood Reporter

30 Dec 19:53

Church Teens Battle a Demon from a Porno Mag in Christian Found Footage Movie

by Vince Mancini
lock-in-poster-crop

They must’ve just seen Evan Stone’s oh face.

I think my two favorite things in the world are North Korean propaganda and Church-produced movie synopses. On the latter note, The Lock In, a new found-footage style horror film from Holy Moly pictures, follows a group of church teens as they inadvertently release an evil demon when they bring a filthy porno mag into the house of God during a church “lock in.” I’ve never been to a church lock in, but I for one am happy that for once someone isn’t being facetious when they describe the holiness of moly.

Thank you, Jesus, for this press release, may I drink of your blood and consume your wafer flesh forever and ever amen.

Holy Moly Pictures has announced the release date for The Lock In, a Christian found footage horror film about pornography to be released January 9th, 2014.

Imagine your life being torn apart and the very wiring of your brain being changed by a seemingly innocent prank. This is what happens when three teenage boys are terrorized by demon activity after a “dirty magazine” is snuck into an overnight church event called a lock in. During the lock in, members of the youth group are “locked in” the church to have fun, play games, and get to know one another. In spite of the youth pastor’s attempt to intervene, the boys must come to terms with the pornographic images themselves in order to be truly freed from the demon.

Movies have always been a good medium to highlight social issues. Pornography is a growing epidemic in the church community for men, women, and children with most of the underage victims being exposed in a place thought to be safe. The producers of the film hope that not only will it be entertaining, it will also be used as a tool for conversations about the dangers of pornography and the importance of being aware.

Want to see the trailer? Of course you do.

The demon is a metaphor for the true damage pornography can have in the lives of youth. There are never graphic or pornographic images shown in the movie. The producers of the film felt that it was important to tell a Christian story about real issues but to keep the images family friendly so anyone could be entertained without fear of exposure to questionable pictures. [MMDNewswire]

Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, padre, you’re telling me the demon is a “metaphor?” Look, bro, I didn’t start watching this church movie to live in a land nuance and subjectivity, NOW MAKE WITH THE FLAMING SWORDS AND BRIMSTONE!

They’re right about porn releasing the demons though. But wait, don’t people already know this? I thought that was the whole point of porno. OUT, FOUL SPIRITS! (*yelling at penis*) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! (*watches Faye Reagan video*) (*head spins 360 degrees, pukes on floor, ejaculates, cleans up with holy water*) Oh God, that was good, I need a cigarette.

30 Sep 18:15

Skipper vs. ump arguments not always as they seem | MLB.com: News

by coopersobchak
18 Sep 19:19

Breaking Badass |

by coopersobchak
18 Sep 21:00

Screw Your Completist-ism: A Guide To Bandwagoning Breaking Bad

by Drew Magary
Jim.bray

Breaking Bad spoilers in this article.

I couldn't stand it. I was sitting through the lightning delay during Sunday Night Football and so many people were tweeting and salivating over Breaking Bad that I began to feel sick to my stomach over never having watched it. Jesus could have appeared in the flesh and it wouldn't have generated such an enthusiastic response from the masses. Sure, He's the son of God, BUT HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE WHAT WALT DID THIS TIME I'LL NEVER GET OVER IT! The fervor is so strong that TV critic Alan Sepinwall had his appendix removed on Sunday and still felt obligated to watch the show AND write a recap that night. People want desperately to believe they are watching something momentous—that they didn't waste their time on anything less than the greatest show ever devised. And so they're willing to go to extreme measures to be part of that phenomenon.

Read more...

28 Aug 15:00

Joss Whedon on What He Hates about Temple of Doom

by Vince Mancini
Jim.bray

"A lot of things aimed at the younger kids is just 'Choosing Boyfriends: The Movie'".

Joss Whedon fans have a tendency to be so obnoxious that they can overshadow Whedon himself, who, as he proves in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, often has some interesting things to say. For instance, you know those cutesy, winky fan handjob scenes that say little more than “remember that?!?” that populate so many films these days? Especially sequels and reboots and properties with a built-in fanbase? Well, Joss Whedon doesn’t like them either. He mentions a scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom as the seminal example.

“A movie has to be complete within itself; it can’t just build off the first one or play variations. You know that thing in Temple of Doom where they revisit the shooting trick? … That’s what you don’t want. And I feel that’s what all of culture is becoming — it’s becoming that moment.” [HuffPo]

He’s speaking, of course, of the scene where Indy is confronted by sword-wielding bad guys, and reaches for his gun to shoot them like he did in Raiders of the Lost Ark, only this time the gun isn’t there and he smiles. Mike Ryan at Huffington Post has a thorough breakdown of why the scene doesn’t work, but the gist is that it only makes sense as a wink to the audience and does nothing to advance the actual scene (for one thing, Temple of Doom was supposed to be a prequel, so what was Indy smiling about? the memory of something that hasn’t happened yet?).

Whedon, whose Avengers sequel, Age of Ulton, is scheduled for 2015, also fielded questions about Twilight. Sure, why not.

“A small part of you is like: ‘Well, you know, I did that first. I liked that band before they were popular,’” he says. “The thing about Buffy for me is–on a show-by-show basis–are there female characters who are being empowered, who are driving the narrative? The Twilight thing and a lot of these franchise attempts coming out, everything rests on what this girl will do, but she’s completely passive, or not really knowing what the hell is going on. And that’s incredibly frustrating to me because a lot of what’s taking on the oeuvre of Buffy, is actually a reaction against it. Everything is there — except for the Buffy. A lot of things aimed at the younger kids is just Choosing Boyfriends: The Movie.” [EW]

I never watched Buffy, because, you know… why… and I agree with him about Twilight, but is it just me, or is it kind of ballsy to point out the lack of strong female characters in a property that, unlike yours, was actually written by a woman? It’d be a little like Tarantino saying he sets a more positive example for the black community than Tyler Perry.

Anyway, Whedon is an interesting interview, which is more than you can say for most people. You always wonder what’s going on in that planetarium-sized skull of his. He’s a hero to everyone who’s ever been affected by Mr. Burns’ nerve tonic.

Simpsons-nerve-tonic

17 Sep 15:00

What If Movie Studios Quoted The ‘How Did This Get Made?’ Podcast On Their Movie Posters?

by Dustin Rowles

IMG

Maybe my favorite podcast after This American Life (which is regularly as good or better as almost anything on television) is the How Did This Get Made? podcast, something I actually didn’t come into until a couple of months ago because of my love for The League, although I’ve spent a lot of time since then going back through the last two years of archives. It features Paul Scheer (The League, NTSF:SD:SUV:), his wife June Diane Raphael (who, in addition to starring in NTSF:SD:SUV:, is the writing partner of Happy Endings’s Casey Wilson) and Jason Mantzoukas, who plays Rafi from The League. Each week, they usually bring in a special guest, and they basically spend an hour crapping on the worst movies of all time, from From Justin to Kelly to Over the Top to Gymkata. It is goddamn hilarious, and at times, fascinating, too (a few weeks ago, they brought in ESPN’s fantasy football analyst Matthew Berry to discuss Crocodile Dundee 3, for which Berry wrote the screenplay, and who called its star, Paul Hogan, “a terrible person”).

How Did This Get Made? is brilliant on a couple of levels: It’s the podcast equivalent of Mystery Science Theater, except you can listen to it on your commute. However, you also weirdly end up learning a lot fun facts about the movies, about the technical aspects of the films, the industry as a whole, and you get to hear Jason Mantzoukas riff for an hour. He’s basically just like Rafi minus the psychosis, which is to say: F**king hysterical. What really makes the podcast gel, however, is Raphael, who, more often than not, has a guilty affection for the horrible, terrible movies they cover.

I can’t encourage you enough to check it out. You can start with the most recent episode, in which The League’s Jon Lajole (Taco) joins them to discuss The Glimmer Man, and them make your way through the archives (the recent episode on Gymkata is classic).

In the meantime, if you want a small taste for what you can expect from the podcast, I’ve taken the liberty of blurbing a few choice quotes from several of the podcasts onto movie posters, the way it should be. I think all of the quotes, actually, are from Mantzoukas, so they’re even better if you can imagine him saying them.

Fotor0914201221

Fotor0917112425

Fotor091420051

Fotor0914195020

Fotor0914194518

13 Sep 18:00

Gwyneth Paltrow Hosts the World's Whitest Party

by Courtney Enlow

I am so awkwardly fascinated by this video. I must break it down. I must understand. For it is as though an alien landed upon this planet and threw a party made of fancy as learned from books and public television and fashion show audience pictures and said "now everyone look like you're having fun!"

Gwyneth dancing.

dancinggwyn.jpg

Cameron Diaz is completely losing her shit she is so excited to be there.

camdlosinghershit.jpg

Gwnyeth Paltrow is completely losing her shit that this kid (Apple?) in a lion mask did a somersault and so is the whole party and for that alone this child will never be able to experience failure normally.

superfun1.jpg

"I'm better than the poor!"

betterthanthepoor.jpg

The children are childrening to Gwyneth's exact specifications.

childrenchildrening.jpg

Croquet and other "lawn games."

fancypartygames.jpg

Thin people.

thinpeopleparting.jpg

Purses.

purseparty.jpg

Bored fedora children.

boredfedorachild.jpg

The rarest site this side of Bigfoot: Chris Martin actually attending something related to his wife.

chrismartinomg.jpg

Paul McCartney doing a jaunty kick.

paulmccartneyjaunty.jpg

And it all ends with an incredibly long tepid kiss betwixt Gwyneth and Stella McCartney. This video is what will play in my brain's screensaver.

03 Sep 19:07

If Martin Luther King Were Alive Today, He Would Be Disgusted At How Difficult It Has Become For Public Figures To Quietly Cheat On Their Wives | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

by coopersobchak
29 Aug 18:32

Kim Jong-Un’s Ex-Lover Executed by Firing Squad for “Pornography”

by Vince Mancini
(YouTube)

(YouTube)

North Korea has hilarious propaganda, but it’s important to remember that all of it rests on fear of a regime that’s legitimately terrifying. Case in point: according to recent reports, Hyon Song-wol (pictured), a North Korean singer rumored to be an ex-lover of Kim Jong-un, was executed by firing squad after being arrested on pornography charges August 17th. I’m told that, trying to copy Western pornography, the filmmakers simply misinterpreted the directive to “line up a bunch of guys and have them shoot on her.” (Worst sentence I’ve ever written? Possibly.)

From The Telegraph:

The reports in South Korea’s Chosun Ilbo newspaper indicate that Hyon, a singer with the Unhasu Orchestra, was among those arrested on August 17 for violating domestic laws on pornography.

All 12 were machine-gunned three days later, with other members of North Korea’s most famous pop groups and their immediate families forced to watch. The onlookers were then sent to prison camps, victims of the regime’s assumption of guilt by association, the reports stated.

Jesus, I’m surprised they didn’t shoot the people who dug the graves.

Hyon’s band was responsible for a string of patriotic hits in North Korea, including “Footsteps of Soldiers,” “I Love Pyongyang,” “She is a Discharged Soldier” and “We are Troops of the Party.” Her popularity reportedly peaked in 2005 with the song “Excellent Horse-Like Lady.”

Damn you, North Korea. Even in a story about mass executions, I can’t help but laugh at “Excellent Horse-Like Lady.” North Korea leads the world in tragicomedy.

The 12 who were executed were singers, musicians or dancers with the Hyon’s band,, the Unhasu Orchestra or the Wanghaesan Light Music Band and were accused of making videos of themselves performing sex acts and then selling the recordings. [A story few North Korean experts believe, saying the executions were more than likely political.]

Kim Jong-un, who became leader of North Korea after the sudden death of his father in December 2011, is believed to have met Hyon about 10 years ago and struck up a relationship.

His father, Kim Jong-il, did not approve of the relationship and ordered him to break it off. Hyon subsequently married an officer in the North Korean military and reportedly had a baby, although there are suggestions that Hyon continued to see Kim after her marriage.

Kim’s wife, Ri Sol-ju, was also a member of the Unhasu Orchestra before marriage and one theory is that Ri objected to the continuing high profile of her husband’s former girlfriend.

The theory was slightly undermined, however, when the guy who floated it was drowned in a cement cube and dropped into a volcano.

Kim Chol, vice minister of the army, was executed with a mortar round in October 2012.

Kim Chol was reportedly executed for drinking and carousing during the official mourning period after Kim Jong-il’s death.

On the explicit orders of Kim Jong-un to leave “no trace of him behind, down to his hair,” according to South Korean media, Kim Chol was forced to stand on a spot that had been zeroed in for a mortar round and “obliterated.”

So, who wants to argue some more about Miley Cyrus?

[Related Viewing: Check out The Red Chapel, from the guy who did The Ambassador. It's very creepy and depressing.]

09 Jul 18:14

nEde3.gif (320×212)

by coopersobchak
Jim.bray

Excuse me ... I think, yes? [REDUX^2]

26 Jun 20:00

Boston Fans Buried Their Stanley Cup Sorrows in a Porn Avalanche

by Leslie Horn on Gizmodo, shared by Tommy Craggs to Deadspin

Boston Fans Buried Their Stanley Cup Sorrows in a Porn Avalanche

After the Boston Bruins lost the NHL championship to the Chicago Blackhawks Monday night, fans consoled themselves with porn, according to stats from PornHub. You might not have a Stanley Cup win, but you always have amateur adult films!

Read more...

    


18 Jun 19:25

Documentarians sue to prove “Happy Birthday” is public domain

by Vince Mancini
Jim.bray

@ruhmann, per our conversation the other day.

Sad-Birthday-Belinda

Incredibly, Warner/Chappel music continues to collect royalties on the use of “Happy Birthday,” despite many people pointing out that it should be considered public domain (not to mention common sense screaming the same thing). Even the copyright itself says it’s more than 100 years old. Finally, a new lawsuit is challenging Happy Birthday’s protected status, saying it should’ve been public domain long ago. And the people filing the suit should know, they’re working on a documentary about it.

The proposed class action is brought by a film company that is working on a documentary about the “Happy Birthday” song. During the making, the producers were informed that they would need to pay a $1,500 synchronization license fee to use the song in the documentary. The producers paid for fear of being liable for up to $150,000 in penalties for copyright infringement.

But now, Good Morning to You Productions Corp. has filed a lawsuit on behalf of all those in film, television and elsewhere who are paying for rights to “Happy Birthday.” The plaintiff aims to force Warner/Chappell Music to return millions of dollars collected over the years for what the lawsuit calls “the world’s most popular song.”

When the Hill sisters first composed the song in 1893, it was called “Good Morning to All.” Somewhere along the line the tune evolved into the version that is currently popular. The song has traditionally been regarded as copyrighted because the lyrics appeared in a songbook in 1924 and a piano arrangement was published in 1935. As such, it would neatly fit into changes in copyright law that conferred a lengthy 95 years of protection for works created after 1923. Had the songbook been published any earlier, there wouldn’t be any question  as to whether a license fee was needed when, for example, Marilyn Monroe sang it to John F. Kennedy in 1962.

Now, the documentary film company says it has “irrefutable documentary evidence, some dating back to 1893, [which] shows that the copyright to ‘Happy Birthday,’ if there ever was a valid copyright to any part of the song, expired no later than 1921 and that if defendant Warner/Chappell owns any rights to ‘Happy Birthday,’ those rights are limited to the extremely narrow right to reproduce and distribute specific piano arrangements for the song published in 1935.”

As evidence, the lawsuit cites a January 1901 edition of an Indiana school journal that described children singing the words “happy birthday to you.” And then, in what the plaintiffs might hope will become a smoking gun, there’s citation to a copy of a 1911 work published by the Board of Sunday Schools of the Methodist Episcopal Church. [THR]

It’s truly amazing that people have been able to collect licensing fees for “Happy Birthday” all these years. Anyone trying to argue that it isn’t public domain should get laughed out of court. Actually, after they’re done paying off all the people they squeezed money from, they should have to learn the words to every chain restaurant’s crappy happy birthday knock-off song that they had to invent to avoid paying royalties, and sing them all to the plaintiffs every year on their birthdays.